by Carol Dunn
HOLLYWOOD/ TRINIDAD- By the year 2003, the neighboring town of Trinidad was known as the gender change capital of the world. So when the latest Holly-weird news came up during lunch the other day, it was no big shocker. The daughter of a famous singer-actress, we’ll call her “C”, has decided to change her gender. Will s/he be visiting Trinidad? No one’s saying, but wherever the change takes place, her life is going to change in ways she cannot possibly imagine.
For instance, “C” may suddenly forget where the salt is, or the scissors, or the spaghetti drainer and may rummage around through cabinet after cabinet and drawer after drawer, before yelling “Where did you put the spatula?” At which point someone, who by the way did NOT hide the item, will show mercy and retrieve the spatula, right where it’s always been. “C” may also forget how to do laundry. S/he’ll mix together red shirts with the whitey-tighteys and end up with pink underwear. S/he will no longer write down phone messages, preferring instead to sort of recollect that someone called with the first name of Janice or Judy or something like that and it’s really important to call back, but sorry didn’t get the number.
The toilet paper dispenser will never again be refilled in “C’s” home. The TP will just sit on any horizontal surface within reach. And s/he can count on some remodeling of the home. For instance, the toilet will need to be replaced with a super turbo-flush model. And, if a maid is not married, one will have to be hired, at the very least to pick up dirty socks, which will begin to accumulate in the living room, on the kitchen counter and on the dining room table.
“C” may begin to notice hair growing out of the nostrils and ears – those wild, crooked shoots that remind you more of tree branches than actual hairs. S/he may learn to belch the entire alphabet. No more shaving legs and armpits (actually I like this one).
“C” will never vacation the same way again. Instead of leisurely rest and relaxation, stopping to read the roadside monuments at points of interest, s/he will zoom through vacation after vacation at 60 mph, occasionally glimpsing landmarks like the Huerfano or the Taj Mahal, but not really grasping its special place in history. And speaking of driving, “C” will never again stop to ask for directions to get somewhere, ESPECIALLY when hopelessly lost.
“C” may however become pretty good at using a remote control and grilling burgers and steaks and sheesh-ka-bobs. And maybe, for some people, that’s good enough.