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If your suit gets ripped, they don’t gotta acquit

by David High
Here is something to think about while waiting for your Pop-Tarts to toast:
The United States has more lawyers than the rest of the world put together, almost 1,250,000 if you count the legal teams of President Trump’s top campaign officials and indicted political appointees.  That’s up from 260,000 back in 1960.
Now I have no doubt that a large number of American lawyers do worthwhile things that may actually justify charging clients $250 an hour. (Did I really just write that?)
The trouble is there are just too many of them.  And, of course, all those lawyers need work.  You cannot watch TV for more than an hour without encountering at least one commercial showing a sincere looking lawyer saying: ‘Hello, I’m Vito ‘The Hammer’ Calamari of Bendover and Holdem Law Associates.  If you’ve been injured at work or are a victim of an auto accident that wasn’t your fault or just feel like you need a little extra cash, come to us and we’ll find someone to sue.
Americans, it seems, will sue at the drop of a hat.  In fact, I’ll even go out on a limb and say somewhere someone has sued over a dropped hat and won.
The way the system works (or, more accurately, doesn’t work) is it is often more cost-effective for a company to settle out of court than to let the matter proceed to trial.
I have a friend who knows this guy who slipped and fell while entering a grocery store on a snowy day. He just mentioned that he tore his suit coat when he fell.  The manager, misunderstanding what he said, but hearing the word ‘suit,’ offered a more or less instant settlement of $3,000 if he would sign an agreement not to sue.  He signed!
On June 1, 1998, Clark Seeley left the house while leaving half of his breakfast heating in the toaster.  His breakfast was two Pop-Tarts.  Poor decision: there was a fire in the unattended toaster, and his house was damaged.  Seeley blames not himself, but the toaster manufacturer and Kellogg Co., the producer of Pop-Tarts.  Kellogg Company later settled for $2,400.
A Florida grandmother claims (″ \t “_blank) her experience at a local Great Clips salon was somewhat less than great.
In fact, Mildred Bradshaw says that her bad haircut is ruining her life, and is demanding $1,000 to compensate for her “pain and suffering.” The salon’s manager agreed that the cut was unacceptable, but told Orlando’s WKMG-TV that the salon can’t give the woman the money she’s asking for.
Doing a little research, I found that customers have successfully sued barbers after being given the sort of embarrassing haircuts that I seem to receive on a routine basis.
All of this, naturally, gives me an idea.  I’m going to slip and fall while eating a burnt Pop-Tart as I go into local barber shop on the next rainy day.  Then I’ll call the Bendover and Holdem law firm and see if we can strike a deal.  I’ll just put on the hat I dropped and won’t even tell Vito about my latest haircut.