Total Body Purge
by Carol Dunn
HUERFANO- Well, another virus is making its rounds through Huerfano County, and it is a messy one. Yes, some of you came all the way from Texas to catch this. Between the virus and the snow, you’re not sure why you decided to stay another couple weeks, are you?
Because I don’t want to name names, let’s just say I have personal knowledge about how this virus ravages the human body. For you fitness nuts, there is a side benefit of the virus which is good for toning the abdominal muscles and the buttocks. However, the viral workout is a total body purge that leaves you feeling like one of those giant balloons in the Macy’s parade that gets snagged on a street lamp and goes sputtering around in circles until it lands on the street in a big smushy lump.
You could starve yourself in anticipation, but you never know when it’s going to hit, and it hits with lightning speed. Even if you do manage to time it so your stomach is empty, somehow partially digested stuff that you swear you didn’t eat appears from the nether regions of your innards. Possibly this is the mystery function of the appendix. You may be parched and craving water, but don’t be fooled by the fact that it’s “only” water. This virus loathes water and will cast it back out of your stomach with volcanic force, like vinegar mixed with baking powder, only it tastes worse.
There are two exit points this virus concentrates on, neither of which is particularly interested in being exercised. The unfortunate thing is, sometimes both exit points are used at precisely the same moment. No one can be entirely prepared for the split-second decision this requires. If they had an Olympic event for getting to the bathroom fast, you could be training for a world-record. My advice is, keep a plastic lined trash can handy. If you can possibly hang it on a rope around your neck, this would be best. Stock up on TP – a couple cases would be a good plan, since your entire family will be catching this from you.
If you haven’t had the Total Body Purge Virus yet, it’s no use hiding out at home until you think the coast is clear. If there is even one cell of the virus left in the entire county, you’re going to catch it when you leave the house to check the mail.