Satellite TV is for the dogs.
HUERFANO — We never had satellite TV until we moved to Huerfano. We always figured that was for people living in Siberia and on private islands in the Caribbean. We were never so far off the beaten path that we needed it. But here we are. Ten years ago, I had no idea there were over 800 channels of stuff you could tune into on a TV, although I have discovered about 790 of those channels are just too creepy or scary or icky for me to even want to read the descriptions of the shows. So we don’t channel surf very often. But we hit the jackpot the other night, because we ran across a program called “Evening Relaxation” on a TV station FOR DOGS. Now, I have to admit, I was curious about what a show designed for dogs would be like, so we clicked on the channel. But it turns out you have to PAY EXTRA for DOGTV, which is about as attractive to me as paying for air to put in car tires, which I am forced to do once in a while against my will. So I just looked up the
programming on my favorite source of all things weird in the universe: the Internet. Apparently DOGTV has been on the air for over two years, and I think it’s only fair that I share my excitement about the 24-hour-a-day programming with you. Every hour there is a different program for stimulation, relaxation and exposure (whatever that is). The description says, “Scientifically designed content to keep your dog calm and relaxed. Reduce stress levels and keep him calm with soothing music, sounds and visuals.” This is a TV station for dogs that are bored and lonely at home while you’re off doing whatever you can find to do in Huerfano. Of course, my dogs never needed TV when they were home alone. They managed to keep themselves busy by chewing up shoes, rugs and DVDs. The 2:00 am Relaxation program is “images, sounds and music to create a relaxed and peaceful night environment for your dog.” Well, obviously this wasn’t developed for any dog in rural Colorado. It wouldn’t matter if a rabbit was running around on TV, when our dogs hear coyotes out back, the only thing they want to do is howl. No one sleeps in our house when the dogs get to howling. Other DOGTV programs range from: relaxing programs to start your dog’s day; programs to put your dog in a playful and happy mood; sounds to get your dog used to the vacuum cleaner, doorbells and kids; animations to increase your dog’s mental stimulation; family time; and even making sure your dog gets a good night’s sleep. That all sounds very nice, but here’s what I need DOGTV to do for our dogs: Teach them not to spend two hours standing under a tree barking at a squirrel. Teach them to go outside to barf. Stop them from chasing the garbage truck. Make them understand that chicken feed is for chickens, not dogs. And most of all, teach them to brush their own teeth. THEN I will pay for DOGTV.