Pizza
Every time I see a pizza commercial on TV, I wanna cry. Why can’t we have pizza delivery in Huerfano? Since the Pizza Hut closed down, I can’t even drive past the building without breaking out in a cold sweat. Not that we ever got pizza delivery from Pizza Hut out in the boonies where we live, but it was our last good hope. Now, we know we’ll never hear those words we miss and long for so much: “That’ll be a fifty cent check fee please.” Of all the things I miss about city living – and let’s be real, there are hardly ANY – I think I miss pizza delivery the most. In Denver, it seemed like there were a thousand places that would deliver fresh, fairly hot pizza right to your door just before you fainted from hunger. Ok, at least it was warm. That’s because the drivers got lost sometimes. I guess it happened to a lot of people, because the pizza businesses started advertising that delivery was “in about
half an hour” and it wasn’t guaranteed. We tried not to complain, because we just wanted the pizza. Even if the ingredients were wrong, we would eat it anyway. I don’t remember ordering kohlrabi and blueberries. Oh well, dig in. If the pizza place was lucky enough to have the same delivery employee two weeks in a row, the drivers would remember the houses that tipped well, and they would be sure to treat you good on the next order. For instance, they would make sure the pizza didn’t slide off the seat and onto the floor during the drive. One time we opened the pizza box AFTER the driver left and found ALL THE CHEESE stuck to the lid. Yes, I admit it, we weren’t the best of tippers back then. But after fifteen or so damaged pizzas, we began to see the light. All those troubles happened in Denver, where the streets all show up on the GPS. Can you even imagine how pizza delivery might go in Huerfano? Someone knocks at your door. You open it. A guy is standing there holding a pizza box. “Uh, you ordered a pizza?” You say, “That was last TUESDAY!” He says, “Uh, I got lost.” Having lived here for a while, you can see how this would be possible, so you relent. “OK, we’ll take the pizza. How much?” He replies, “Uh, $85.62.” You say, “WHAAAAAT??!!” He says, “Uh, I had to fill up with gas a couple times.” Your spouse says, “Just pay the guy, okay?” He adds, “That’ll be a fifty cent check fee please.” Your spouse grabs the pizza box and heads for the dining room. The guy leaves. Then your spouse says to you, “Did you order kohlrabi and blueberries??”
